Willing to admit it

Not the best relationship

I am more than willing to admit my relationship is not perfect. Think about it... is yours? People can make things look as good as they want on the outside, but what goes on behind closed doors? I’m blogging about it because I am not ashamed to admit it, I am NOT perfect... Nor do I wish to be, I just wish things were a little better than they are. I love my partner to death, his is truly the love of my life but that doesn’t change the fact that we have our ups & downs. & lately it has been more downs then ups. I feel if I don’t tell someone about this even if it is just the word document I’m typing in then I may just go insane.

What’s the problem?

Now like I said we have our ups & downs... He can be such a sweetheart at times & I love the fact that he is a cuddle monster but as of late it just seems we do more fighting with one another then cuddling. Tonight was the perfect example of that. It started with something sweet I was hungry wanted pizza my attempt didn’t work with the dough I had made & he made me simple pizza on bread slices, my hero, I ate I was happy I thought it was just adorable. Later on we were fooling around downstairs tickling one another & I accidently hit his ear, he aggressively pushed me away and had such a sour expression. I KNOW I didn’t hurt him bad he wasn’t bleeding just being a poor sport ‘cause he can act like a toddler that way. So I went to caress his face and turn him towards me to apologize & instead the sour face came back and he wouldn’t budge his head. Nice. He stood up finally & after finishing his drink said “K lets go” (to bed) very bluntly, it didn’t sound nice at all. I grabbed my stuff and bolted before the tears started. I was already in an off mood & he knew I just wanted to go to bed cuddle up & fall asleep, apparently that was asking too much of Mr. Pissy pants. So we brushed our teeth in silence while I had a few silent tears (which I know he saw) & then went to bed. By bed I mean he turned his back to me while I cried, which leaves us with him now snoring cuddling the PILLOW, not me, & now I sit here & blog my feelings cause really I have no friends. No one to call, no one to text as it is already 1:10 am & the one person close enough likes to rub it in when things aren’t working for me (some friend).

That’s not the only issue.

If my only problem were one of us having an off night now & then & I was making a big enough deal to blog about it I would hope someone smacked some sense into me. But I have a few issues with my relationship. Lying, hiding & sex. Not all combined thank God. The hiding–He hides a lot of his phone bullshit which pisses me off to no end. If you’re not doing anything I should be concerned about why do you hide everything? It makes me thing SOMETHING is going on, & I have every right to, everyone agrees with the statement “If nothing is going on you shouldn’t have to hide”. But he did, he still does, & probably will continue to. Not cool. The lying-I have caught him lying before a few times about the dumbest shit. If you were honest in the first place I wouldn’t be as pissed off as I am now! It seems men don’t understand that. How am I supposed to trust him with big things when he lies about such small things? Sex-My problem with sex is IM NOT GETTING ANY! At ages 20 & 25 we should be having a hell of a lot more sex then we do. I am lucky if I get laid once a week... Yesterday was the first day I got laid in almost 3 weeks, 3 WEEKS! Now I get it, I am fairly on over drive even before the pregnancy but now being pregnant I BADLY want to get fucked. Once a week? If I’m lucky! ... Yeah I’m not happy about that. I have questioned him about it & tried to figure out what’s going on but I never get a straight answer & always end up thinking he doesn’t want me. Again, not cool, especially now while I’m 8 months pregnant or in other words massive & extremely self conscious about it.

Sitting waiting wishing

If you asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be today I wouldn’t have answered pregnant sex deprived & depressed. I’d have told you that I’d be in school for my sign language, in a very happy healthy relationship with my loving, sweet & kind boyfriend. Obviously things don’t go according to plan however I didn’t think as much as they have gone off course I would be feeling this badly. I honestly feel like I am not enough for him & that is why he doesn’t want me. I feel as if I can’t do anything right for him & like I am a burden in his life. I can only sit & wait while I wish for things to get better.

Final thought

I love him to pieces & I want things to get better. I want to know why I have no sex life & what I’m doing wrong. I want to move on for the better as our son will be here within a few weeks & if things continue the way they are I don’t see us being a happy family 5 years from now, & that KILLS me to think of a life, a home without him. I just hope he knows how much I would do for him & how much he means to me. I hope things get better.