He’s coming!
Although my son’s arrival was not planned, he is on his way. There is no turning back & not a single regret about keeping him. My partner & I are very excited to meet him & could not be happier about starting a family together.
Conception to believing
I found out I was pregnant on April 8th with a home test ... I was a little thrown off by the 2 pink lines that appeared instantly. I was overwhelmed with emotions both good & bad, I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to handle this, all I knew was I was having a baby. It was confirmed by my doctor the following week with blood work she sent me for my first ultrasound on April 14th 2011 they found nothing from an external & had to do it internally, they told me I was roughly 5 weeks 1day & gave me an EDD of Dec 14th. This was still unreal, I knew I was pregnant I was really starting to feel symptoms but it still wasn’t real for me. My second ultrasound was set for May 11th I should have been 9 weeks exactly according to the sonographer, I was in fact 9 weeks 3 days they changed my EDD to Dec 11th. They checked a few things & let me watch my little Bean moving around on there, I still could not believe it. There was a baby inside of me. The sonographer asked me if I had anyone in the waiting room, I did. My partner had come along for this one I wanted him to be a part of as much of the pregnancy as possible he is the father & this little life is half his. The brought him in which was slightly awkward for me at first as I had my pants off (I’m unsure as to why) & my belly full of goo, but he came in the tiny dark room and stood by my feet the sonographer brought our baby up on the screen & showed us his heart... I cried. There was no thud no noise...just this little bright spot that was pulsing in his chest you could see his over sized head and that heart just beating away... It still wasn’t real yet, was there something wrong with me? I went home with the picture of my lil bean at 9 weeks 3days & just stared & stared & stared I would hold my tummy I would think that is inside of me... I STILL could not believe it, so much for "seeing is believing". I was set to go for a 3rd ultrasound, my 12 week scan... Again I brought my partner along, & again my due date changed my baby was expected to arrive Dec 9th.... I seen my Bean & again cried but this time it was real, I was going to be a mommy, it finally clicked in!
Telling the parents
We kept our bundle a secret for over a month. My partner & I talked about how we were going to tell them & had decided a letter would be the best way, this way they had some time to digest what was happening. The evening of Thursday May the 26th my partner had written his letter & the next day after returning from work left it in their bedroom before leaving to come to see me for the weekend. We sat up anxiously awaiting word from them... Finally around 11pm they called. His dad called. Asked him to come home after he was done work the next day (he works on Saturday more often than not) they wanted to talk to him. Understandable, we were having a baby & didn’t live together yet, he didn’t have his own car yet, there was a lot to do & think about before this baby gets here. I still don’t know ALL the details of the conversation cause my partner isn’t one to talk as it is (Which sucks for a talker like me) but I do know they were not thrilled, at all. My turn, the following week I attempted I don’t know how many times to write my parents a letter... I just didn’t know where to start. So I started with an ultrasound. I pasted one of my ultrasounds in a card; his hand was near his face so I made a little joke of how he was waving “Hi I’m here!” ... I started my letter & it was supposed to be short sweet & to the point but it wasn’t. I ended up writing a good 3 pages, I won’t go into detail but I had a lot to say. Friday June 3rd I packed my letter & card into my mother’s bag. Hoping she would unpack as soon as she got to the cottage. She didn’t. I went to the hospital that night due to severe abdominal pain that had me freaked right out, the doctor confirmed it was Braxton hicks & as we were just finishing up she called me, I didn’t answer right away. I called her back as soon as we stepped out of emergency, when she picked up I assumed she was calling due to my letter, she wasn’t. We got off the phone she did not sound happy. My partner & I went home & slept. About 4:30am that Saturday my partner got up to have his shower for work, I turned my phone on to see if I had any messages... The texts started to come in... She was extremely supportive & expressed she was excited to be a grandma! This was very shocking to me but I was happy about it none the less. Now we were waiting for his parents to really come around they didn’t for about a month but now as it stands are supportive & as far as I know looking forward to our little addition on the way.
Rough pregnancy
Since I started experiencing symptoms of my pregnancy it has been a bumpy ride. The 1st trimester was horrible I was very ill a lot of the time & had trouble keeping almost anything down. At 13 weeks I experienced my first wave of “Braxton Hicks” contractions, this concerned my doctor. Now at 24 weeks 5days I get BH contractions on & off regularly, I often feel light headed, get dizzy very easily & twice I have had a “spot” of blood. My baby seems to be growing healthily & moves a ton! Although my doctors are concerned all seems well so far. I have been advised to take it easy & to try not to stress but that is fairly hard with my current living situation.
Times are tough
Stressing, stressing, stressing. It seems that is all I do lately. I currently live with my 41 year old mother who cannot clean a damn thing if her life depended on it & my 18 year old brother who thinks he can do & say as he pleases. I am constantly cleaning up after the 2 of them & catering to both of them, it seems that if I don’t fights often occur & they gang up on me. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was all verbal, but my brother likes to hit. He has not hit me since I’ve been pregnant but has often threatened to & does still throw things at me still. He has punched numerous holes in the walls & has kicked in my door in a few times to the point where it doesn’t close properly. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to be getting out of here for my sons sake if not for my own. On top of living in hell my partner & I are both stressing over a car & a place to live. With only his income at the moment things are rough & I feel like the worst person in the world because I cannot do anything to help us out at the moment. I often stress about our relationship as well, I love him to pieces & I know he loves me but it’s just with all that is going on I feel as if we are not as close with each other as we should be when starting a family. This often makes me feel worthless & unwanted & I don’t know how to fix things.
Where does that leave us?
I’m 6 months pregnant, we as of yet still don’t have a car & will probably have to stay with his parents for at least a month before we can find a place that is affordable. I don’t see my partner as much as I used to as he needs to save money & gas is just too expensive to be traveling back & forth from 1 city to another. I often find myself breaking down, between not having him around, feeling alone & being stressed out. It has been more than a lot to handle. I often doubt myself & feel as if I’m not good enough for my partner let alone my son. I am however thankful for the support of my “Twitter mama’s” & my closest yet so far away friend Megan whom has been a blessing to have only a ring away. I am handling things as best I can at this point, but often worry about my partner & how he is holding up & feeling about things.
On that note
I find myself crying ... again it has taken me hours to write a single post because as soon as I get to the rough stuff it is just over whelming & extremely hard to be honest with myself about how fucked up things really are. I appreciate you taking the time to read this & apologize for it being a long read.
Here is to hoping that things improve
- Growing Belly
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