The Gloves Are Off

It started before I could stop it

Growing up with my mom & brother I always knew something was wrong, wrong with us & our family, what it was I had yet to find out. We fought ALOT growing up. I, for a long time assumed everyone & their family was like that, which they are... to some extent. However everyone I met no one was as bad as my family, no one compared to our screaming matches, no one else I knew dealt with the beatings I did trying to “make things work” at least not to my knowledge .

 As a child when we fought I would be the one to calm everyone down to make them understand they were fighting for no reason or over something silly. Until one day that changed I was no longer the medium, no longer the peace keeper, no longer the threads that tied the 3 of us together, I was the enemy. How this happened I’m still unsure, but I knew when that happened there wasn’t a soul that could save my family, or me for that matter.

The problem

God there is probably many, but there are a few big ones that led to where we are today. One of our biggest problems, My brother, not to put myself on a pedestal cause I know I am far from perfect but he has some

sever issues that caused a lot of turmoil & tension between my mother & I.

Him

See we are 2 years apart & have different (deadbeat) fathers this in its self posed a problem not so much for me but for him. My father had visits every second weekend where his dad took off while he was really young, so there was that bit of jealousy until his father reappeared. Not having his father around & having to watch me go away on my visits with “daddy” started something in him, he was by the age of 5 famous for temper tantrums & sever anger problems. By age 7 he was still throwing temper tantrums & the anger problems had only gotten worse & the things that would set him off would be as simple as he dropped something or someone asked him to take his toys out of the bathroom. By age 9 he found hitting to be a good way to show you how he felt, forget words they didn’t do enough damage. My mother catered to this she always had an excuse as to why he was mad, always had some way of justifying the behaviour & I remember being so puzzled, why is he allowed to get away with this? Needless to say he would turn on her. He would say horrible things, throw things, break whatever was in sight & would listen to no one, except for me. I had a very sneaky way of getting him to understand he was being ridiculous without him realizing I had just gotten to admit to acting completely insane. This worked for a while until the turn...

Where it went really wrong

My mom, who already defended the behaviour made things worse, I think had she put her foot down when he was young, had she listened to me, had she gotten him the help he needed we wouldn’t be where we are today. She began not only to allow the behaviour by justifying it but whenever he turned on her she apologized to him! She would somehow see it as her fault & it was in no way shape or form her fault. The turn happened very quick as soon as he heard the words “I’m sorry” or “you’re right” he knew he had won, he knew he had the upper hand, like he was the parent. This made freak outs much worse & happened much more often, like he was feeding off the feeling. This destroyed me I watched my mother cry night after night while he saw nothing wrong. In an attempt to explain this to my mom & how I was feeling He eavesdropped on the conversation from behind my mother’s door. I was 13 he was 11, I had told my mother I didn’t feel this was right, it wasn’t safe & it could not go on for her health. As soon as she said the words to me “Yes I know...” she hadn’t even finished what she was saying he came storming in had to have his say, had to tell my mother I was wrong, I was out to get him. In reality I wanted to help I knew my brother had bottled up emotions & needed a way of dealing with them needed professional help on how to handle his anger. That would officially begin the alliance between her & him. Any time I attempted to defend myself she would have none of it, it was as if I didn’t mean anything to her anymore, her baby boy was all that mattered.

The years to come

This alliance against me went on for the next 3 years, I spent a lot of time hiding in my room I would ignore the fighting with my music & tried to stay out of his way as much as possible. When I was the target He would yell scream & hit and my mother never stopped him, In fact she usually would yell as well & then just freak out in her room while he used his fists. After he was done & she would quiet down it was the wait, wait for her, she would come in my room & apologize for her behaviour & tell me about how I was wrong, how it was somehow always my fault. I just put up with this no sense fighting it, it’s like a snake wrapped around your neck, the more you defend or stand up for yourself the tighter the grip gets, choking you, taking every ounce of life out of you.

& Then

When I turned 16 I had gone to live with my father.  That lasted 2 years almost. On my first weekend visit home I left in tears, all weekend I had been told to “go back home” “No one wants you here” my own brother (He really enjoyed having mom all too himself).  When I brought this issue to my mom’s attention, she would just reassure me that he didn’t mean it, but not once did she talk to him or question him about this. I didn’t often visit home cause of him. I missed my family but couldn’t handle the bullshit. When I left my father’s care at the age of 18 I lived on my own for a bit but had to resort to going back to mom as neither housing situations were healthy & I missed my mom. After arriving home it seemed things MIGHT be ok. I was wrong. My brother having zero respect for myself or my mother is still a big baby, he says and does as he pleases & expects everyone to cater to him & clean up after him.

It gets worse

Having endured a life of abuse with my dad for the last 2 years I was no longer scared of him I began to stand up for myself, I began to say how I felt  to both him & my mother. I decided they were no longer going to push me around & have me clean up after their asses on a daily basis. An example of a very recent & ridiculous fight:

To my brother -  ”Hey I just mopped the floors can you do me a favour and keep your shoes at the bottom of the stairs” at this point he usually replies with “fuck off” or “fuck you” right off the bat. Then would proceed to put shoes on & walk around with them on till he left for the night or would just bitch and complain about me “Why did you come back, no one wants you here”.

I would either reply or just shake my head & sigh, if I shook my head lord would he fly off the handle, yelling ridiculously rude & hurtful things. If I replied to fuck off it was usually with an “I’m not trying to fight with you, I just want to keep the house clean” which he would also fly off the handle with some threats or hurtful things. At this point there is no holding back I would also raise my voice & tell him he was being selfish and ungrateful & that I hated cleaning up after him, he needed to grow up. This would lead to obnoxious screaming & hitting/throwing from him to the point where he would chase me & kick down my door & either

a) Continue to scream at me & threaten me

b) Begin to hit me.

I am not a fighter, at least not when it comes to him. He is very strong & knows a lot of UFC/ wrestling moves. I have been put in multiple choke holds & arm bars, he has picked me up & body slammed me... mostly things where the bruises weren’t visible. This has gone on until I got pregnant.

Since the news of my son

The fights haven’t really changed. At all, well, maybe a little. Now with my brother instead of physically beating me using his hands, it’s all emotional/mental abuse, threats & throwing shit at me, because we all know if he didn’t physically touch me it’s not abuse (It apparently also doesn’t count cause I m his sister) With my mom her & I get into screaming matches all the time, usually because she begins defending him & allowing it & I speak up and have gone to the extent of flat out saying “This is fucked up normal people don’t do this, you’re sick for allowing it”

Bringing us to tonight

Tonight was another fantastic evening where I am just at my wits end. I am so sick of cleaning up after 2 people who treat me the way they do. My brother came strolling in at about 2am (drunk) decided to make himself some food while getting a drink I asked him “can you please rinse the dish when you’re done” Now I was not expecting a fight to break loose I asked politely. I just wanted him to rinse it because it would make it easier on me the next day (we all know my mother can’t clean or touch a dish). Well didn’t he start to freak out. His words “What the fuck is your problem bitch I fucking do enough around here I don’t need you getting in my face over bullshit”. Now the ONLY think he does around here is eat, sleep & shower& play video games when he is home, but more often than not he is out. So I have no idea what “enough around here” is. At this point all I’m thinking is oh fuck here we go again. My mom hears him yelling, so what do you know she starts yelling “Why are you fighting with him he just came home can’t you leave him alone” to which I reply with “I wasn’t I just wanted him to rinse his dish to make it easier for me to clean in the morning. She gets louder & joins him in a pointless screaming match of why I am such a horrible person. So I head to my room & as I m walking away I threaten to not do his dishes and his only so that he has to clean them.

 He runs at me stops raises his fist & says

J - “You’re such a fucking bitch, I fucking hate you, and I should fucking beat you” (2/2:30am)

Me - “I fucking dare you. I don’t care what mom says I WILL call the police.”

J- “Do that Ill beat the fuck out of you & your boyfriend” (What he had to do with it I am not sure.)

This is where my mother steps in cause god forbid I threaten her son. He throws some shit and runs out of the house cause he is mad & needs to cool down (smoke pot), what does she do but run after him! After failing to get him to get in the house she begins to yell at me that I am pushing her son away I am making his life hard, it’s all my fault. Awesome.  Eventually she quiets down; I sat in my room & cried for god knows how long.  He eventually came home around 4am they did what they normally do, hide out in her room like best buddies & watch movies, until she eventually comes in & apologizes for her behaviour & justifies his.

Now it’s going on 5am I can still hear the TV super loud in her room & laughter. It might be sad, but that makes me sick. They carry on as if NOTHING has happened.

Final thought

I wish I could have had a normal family, one where your brother is a friend & your mother a security, where the world seems as if people are actually capable of love. I am so sick of being hurt by the ones I love. I just want it to stop, it’s really getting old.