From the day I met him
I knew I loved him. I knew I wanted to be with him. I hoped he felt the same way. Apparently he did, we began dating on 10/04/10 I was head over heels. The relationship was GREAT for the first few months he was my absolute everything, I couldn’t believe how in tune with him I was, I felt as if nothing could stop us. I had finally been able to let go of someone & find love again. I was ecstatic & fearful at the same time, the joys of a new relationship threw me into a spiral of emotion & self evaluation was I ready? I thought so.
Where things took a turn for the worse
We hit our first BIG rough patch after only a few months of dating. I was still learning about whom he was, what he was all about & how he was going to treat me. I won’t go into detail as to what our issue was, it brings up a lot of sore spots for me, but needless to say still to this day I am still hurt by some of his reactions & the way he handled the situation. We got through it, moved on for a better & brighter future together. As much as I felt like we were “stronger” from it I felt like I was weaker. I began to dream of a past love, actually a combination of the two of them. I wanted qualities my ex had in him, it was confused & it stirred up a lot of emotion I thought I had finally rid of. I was able to finally sit back & shake my head, I had an amazing guy. Sure he has his faults but so do I, so does everyone. I decided to stick through it, stay with him, & forget the dreams because they meant nothing.
Trying to get over the hump
As the year pressed on I was able to look back at the dreams & laugh, I wouldn’t go back to my ex given a second chance, no way in hell. After realizing this it was much easier to focus on my new relationship. I still questioned a lot, I was still hurt & I didn’t feel like I was “right”. I began to notice the little things that bugged me. What he didn’t get was they may be little things but they mean a lot.
For example, asking me how I m doing ... He wasn’t & still isn’t the greatest at this but regardless I’m dealing. I would ask how he was doing or how work was going but do you think he asked in return? No. That hurt. I felt as if he didn’t care like it didn’t matter how I was doing, 99% of the time I was fine but that wasn’t the point, show me you care, show me your interested.
As much as it still bugs me it is such a small thing & he is getting better. I am trying, really, really hard to get over a lot of my past issues to keep the relationship healthy at this point, which was hard to do at times. My past with my family (including father) & my ex relationships have affected me a lot. Do I handle it well, most times I do not, however I am slowly but surely getting better at it. He has helped a bunch with that I could not be more grateful for that. So for ever con I had against him, there were 2 pros, I knew this was going to work.
Still learning
Having now only been together 16 months I am still learning a lot about him & who he is. He is very kept to himself & doesn’t share much with me at all, still. That drives me nuts as I am quite the opposite I like to share & talk, as well as would love to hear him do the same, but he doesn’t. I feel like I’m pulling teeth to get him to talk about ANYTHING. I’ve learned his friends are 95 % females (Yes it does bother me) & he spends far too much time on his computer (doing god knows what & talking to god knows who). As much as it bugs me that he has pretty much only female friends, it really wouldn’t if he was open & honest as to what he is doing, or who he is talking to. But he’s not. I find him to be very sneaky, he hides a lot. He tells me I have no reason to be concerned but I am going to be when he hides his phone from my view (or just waits till I’m not around to text!), stutters when I ask him who he is chatting with, won’t elaborate on the conversation. I learned this fucking drives me NUTS.
Problem # 2
If I have no reason to be concerned, why hide? He is hiding it from me for 1 of 2 reasons, either he is cheating on me, or talking about me. Well those 2 or he is calling his gal pals names like Hun & babe, that really makes me upset because then when he refers to me as those names I feel as if it isn’t genuine. I hate it, I caught him doing it in the beginning (APPARENTLY) it meant nothing, he apologized, said it would not happen again, but it did. This still kind of bothers me to this day because he really has not changed; I feel something else is going on. Now I could be wrong! I could just be super paranoid to lose someone I care for deeply, however, I doubt I would have this paranoia if he was just open & honest & wasn’t sneaky about his texting! I’m seriously trying not to let this bother me, but it does. It is always in the back of my mind.
On a brighter note
I know he is going to be a great father. Since the knowledge of the pregnancy he has been amazing with me (not to say he wasn’t before) & does the cutest things. I love it when he talks to him & absolutely adore it when he sings to him (well anytime he sings really!) He has taken the time to go to appointments, ultrasounds & prenatal classes. He is very good at making me feel better about various aspects of pregnancy (weight gain, moodiness, nausea) to which I am grateful. He has really gone to great lengths to show me that he loves his son very much & that he does plan on being a happy sweet little family I only wish I had growing up. As much as I have my things in this relationship I find displeasing I am so proud of him for being such a stand up guy, he really is my world & I can’t wait to meet our baby... A darling baby boy whom I hope looks just like him.
I’m not perfect
Now I know he has had his problems with me, I am sure of it! Regardless though of my issues there is one thing I will NEVER do, make him feel as if I don’t want him. I love him more than anything, I really, really do. I try to show him this as much & as often as possible. Whether it is a short note in his lunch or a morning message a mile long, dinner waiting for him when he comes home or cooking breakfast on Sunday mornings. I try. Not to say that he doesn’t, but do I always feel like he wants me or loves me. Not always. This could also be my fault, but there are so many things that could easily be done or said to make me feel otherwise.
Forgive me
I am a broken individual, I know how to love to the best of my ability & try my hardest not to feel insecure. I do understand that I am loved, but will question it from time to time, not because of him but because of me. I sometimes think I am not worth it & will need to be reassured. I sometimes feel as if I there is no on there & will need to be shown.
Bringing us to today
I love him, we are having a child together, they’re my life, and I would do anything for them. Am I happy? For the most part yes, 99% of the time I am very happy with where my relationship is regardless of our problems. So that leaves us as what? The beginning of a new happy little family, yes & no.
Things don’t always go according to plan
Our son is expected to arrive on Dec 9th 2011, a few years before he probably should be. For the last couple months we were under the understanding that he (my partner) was going to move in to our pre existing home (Mom, Brother & I) & we would begin to look for a bigger place, possibly up north. All that changed. My mom took sick leave off of work & now was no longer able to meet rent for Aug. due to her EI claim not being processed soon enough. So she informs me that we need to find a cheaper place & be moved out of her for the end of Sept. Fantastic. The cherry on the cake, she adds that she has decided to move in with my aunt whom lives 5 or so hours away. This really left my partner & I with no choice, either I move away & he will see myself & his son as often as possible or he & I get a place & start our family. What do you think we decided? So now he & I are in the process of attempting to find not only a home but a vehicle, he needs something to get to & from work in. With our baby being only a few short months away we assumed we had the few more months to save so this wasn’t a huge punch in the face. Thanks mom.
Now what?
We continue to work on our relationship while attempting to establish ourselves just a little before our lil’ man gets here.
Final thought
I love him more than the universe is infinite & hope not for my sake, but our sons that we spend a long, happy life together. I am extremely scared of being a mommy yet so excited, especially to be sharing this experience with him. “A Brand New Life” is starting for us, let us pray we make it through.
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