Daddy issues

It started at birth

My father is the kind of man you would refer to as a “sperm donor” not a dad. It took me a very long time to figure this out. Kids love their parents usually regardless of what s/he is like, but not in my case. I’m sure there are plenty of children like myself whom are not fond of their parents, sad to think, however very true. It is extremely unfortunate for any child to endure horrible parenting, even worse when the child witnesses their family allow it to happen.

From A to Z

Like I said it took me a long time to figure out what a horrible man my “dad” was but once I did there was no seeing him in any other light regardless of what anyone else says.

Picture this (supervised) weekend visits with “Daddy” ages 2 – 12 pickup time 6pm Friday to drop off 6/8pm Sunday. This was NEVER followed I was lucky if he showed up on the Friday & if he did it was usually around 10/11 pm leaving us to get to my grandparents house by 1-2am right? Wrong. He had to stop along the way at a friend’s place to smoke & drink. Now sometimes I was brought inside sometimes he would leave me asleep in the car (can’t tell you how many times I woke up & “Daddy” wasn’t there. Scary.), so he’s done his partying onward to grandma/pa’s house right? Wrong. Sometimes he would decide we were going to spend the night. I HATED this more than anything, was usually someone I didn’t know & it was usually very awkward for me being a little girl around older men I didn’t know. As far as I know I have never been touched, but I have blocked out a lot of my childhood as it is very painful & just easier to not remember, however nothing I can’t remember if reminded about it somehow so pretty sure if there was sexual abuse I would have remembered it by now. Anyway back to my picture this, so awkward overnights with strange strung out people I didn’t know/like or a super late arrival at my grandparents. If we stayed overnight we would eventually leave on the Saturday when he was good & ready usually 3-4 pm (I learned not to ask to go home very quickly cause he would hit me & tell me to get lost) do you think he fed me in the time we were at these places? Nope. So I would be STARVING & upset & just wanted to go home but we would continue on to grandma/pa’s for the last night of my weekend visit. When it came time to eat I usually wanted seconds as I hadn’t eaten all day & my grandparents would refuse to give me more & say things such as “No you don’t want to be fat do you?” NICE! So I developed a hatred for myself. Now if we DID go to grandma/pa’s on the Friday night after he was done partying my “dad” would walk me up to my room put me in bed & usually went back out I would cry myself to sleep praying he would be there in the morning. So morning would come & before I was tall enough to look out the window & look for his car I would run down stairs like a kid waiting to see if Santa came... I would open the door to the basement super slow then swing it open really fast hoping to see dad sleeping on the couch. More often than not he wasn’t home, & if he was my grandparents wouldn’t let me “bug” him as he needed his sleep... I never understood how I was bugging him I would turn the TV on or put on a movie & curl up to his drunken passed out self cause he was warm & it was my “dad” it was comforting as a child before I understood things. The rest of the visit was spent usually running errands with my grandparents & then I would get to spend the drive home with dad very quietly while he bitched about my mom because he only had visit’s (FOR GOOD REASON!) Sad very, very sad but this is how my visits went for years till I finally had had enough & stopped seeing him for about 2 years.

 Now if you think THAT is bad... That isn’t even half of what he put me through. Every year he would call me on my birthday & make me cry because he would make me feel horrible about him not being there... Uhm hello you live 2 hours away, you were invited & came up with some excuse as to why you couldn’t make it... It was usually just another vent session of I hate your mother & you should feel like shit because of that. Awesome. If I were to go into every little thing he has done to me you would be reading this blog for days so I’ll stop there with the miniscule stuff.

The 2 years I didn’t talk to him were great! I actually felt good, until he finally called again. He made me feel like the worst person ever for cutting him out of my life & so I gave him another chance not like I really had a choice; too many people were telling me to. So I went back to the odd visit here & there... until I was 16 & got into a fight with mom, decided to move in with dad. Worst mistake of my life, he beat me when he was drunk because he was drunk & he beat me when he wasn’t drunk because he didn’t have anything to drink. I smoked pot at the time & he used to take it from me & smoke it in front of me & beat me some more, oh he was also with my “step mom” who encouraged his beating me (because it wasn’t her) again, awesome right? ... My life was sheer hell living with him & people thought I had a good life cause of how I presented myself at school. I lived in this hell for 2 years on my 18^th birthday we got into a fight & he gave me a black eye & kicked me out of his home so I spent the last few hours of my 18^th birthday crying in the backseat of my friends car surrounded by my bags & nursing a black eye, happy birthday to me! I moved out & was on my own for a little before I went back to mom.

Today

It has now been almost 3 years since I have spoken to him & am getting quite sick of people like my aunt trying to get me to talk to him because I just don’t want to go back there, EVER! I am however slightly conflicted. My step dad who is an absolutely amazing man & has always been more my dad then my biological father said I should allow him to meet my son. I do plan on going showing my grandfather & aunt the baby once he is here & step dad says try to work it out so he can meet the baby too it IS his grandson after all & he is probably hurting. Honestly I do NOT want him in my sons life at all, & I sincerely hope he is hurting, after the years of emotional & physical abuse he put me through I hope he understand the pain he put me through his own child, how someone can do that to their child baffles me. So do I listen to my step dad & do the “right” thing or do I stick to my gut & just stay away... Leaning more towards the stay away but any input from my readers is appreciated.

Why I posted this

Yes I posted to get some feed back as to what I should do but I didn’t plan on posting about my daddy issues yet... The only reason I brought it up is because his birthday was October third, I hope he cried like he made me do every year, I hope he hurt like I have my entire life, & I hope he feels like the asshole he is. Whether this makes me a horrible person or not I could care less, I just want him to realize & understand what he has done to me because my past with him I know for a fact affects my relationship with my partner. Anyhow like I said input is appreciated, thanks for the read!