Bean :) xo

Dear Bean,

You are just about 36 weeks old & still moving like crazy just ask my ribs as you currently have some toes jammed into the right side of my rib cage. I cannot wait to meet you 30 days baby boy till your due date but as of this Tuesday (2 days away) you will be full term!! Let us hope you come sooner rather than later :) I must admit as much as I want to meet you, I am so scared, not of the labour or birth not of you... But of being a parent, being your parent... I will do everything in my power to make sure you are a happy healthy baby & will be the best mother to you that I can be, I love you with all my heart & I hope that you love me just as much. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know where I would be or how I would be coping with the curve balls life has thrown at me lately. Thank you my darling son for giving me the nest reason to live, for making my life have the most meaningful purpose, & for making every day closer to meeting you better than the last. Tomorrow is our next appointment with our back up midwife Linda, I cannot wait to hear your strong little heart beat galloping away again, you amaze me. 30 days until your EDD until you decide to join us Jackson xoxoxox

Loving you forever & always,

Your mother xo

Flustered

Truly not fair

If you don’t want to be with someone don’t drag them along for a ride… If you can’t be committed to someone than leave them, is this too much to ask? I don’t think so. This entire relationship has been slightly unfair. I have done nothing to deserve the hurt he has caused me. What is even more unfair is the fact that I still love him & am still so hopeful he may just change. The fact that I’m days away from giving birth to our son is really the only thing keeping me here. I would really like to think that God exsists but I am highly doubting s/he does considering it seems left right & centre I’m being dealt the worst cards possible.

Him

He is laying in bed next to me as I sit up on the computer crying quietly, this has become quite the routine as of late & I am not too fond of it. Why I am here in the first place baffles me as I KNEW this was going to happen… Between the hurt he caused me in the past with a previous pregnancy & the messages I had seen between him & some girl… I should have left… I should have ran. I didn’t, why, cause I fell for the bullshit he fed me then. We fought, I suggested breaking up, moving on, leaving one another… He “Wanted” to be with me… Why? He was fucking around back then & he knew, he knew this had happened to me before & I begged him “If you’re ever going to cheat on me, please just leave me.” But apparently that went in one ear & out the other… He had a few free passes to agree to a break up & I would not have known jack shit, but no, instead a year later I sit here with my fears confirmed without the chance to just say “Fuck it I can do better” instead a year later I’m looking down at my massively pregnant tummy watching my little alien baby go nuts & not wishing that he wasn’t on his way more wishing he would have come when the time (&person?) was right… Not much I can do about that though, on occasion life likes to throw us curve balls so it’s up to me to live with decisions I’ve made. I have decided for my not only my sake but my sons that if I didn’t see improvement I was out of here… The chances of me staying at this point are very slim to none… I asked him to show me he wanted me, show me he wanted us & instead over a week (or has it been 2) later he was STILL keeping up with his shit? That really makes me want to work on this doesn’t it? Again I told him I wanted to see a change… He has until the end of the weekend to show me the changes I have asked for if not I will consider that his way of saying that the relationship is over. I will make my arrangements to leave after my son gets here & I will move on. I hate that I love him so much ‘cause writing this is killing me I shouldn’t be in this position.

The awkwardness

He informed me today one of his female friends has read my blog… Ok? What should I say to that… I looked at him & said “so she knows you’re a cheat than?” He slightly chuckled & said yeah I guess… What the fuck… The laugh? Really? NOTHING about this is funny… A) It slightly irritates me that someone has my blog that I don’t know, I have it in no way connected to my real name & for good reason so how did she find it? The only thing that comes to mind is he gave her a link? Why he would do that no clue… B) It bothers me that she is a female… Why because he has 1 male friend & the rest are girls… After having my fears of him cheating confirmed I don’t know which of his “Friends” he has or has not screwed around with…& I know if I were to read a blog one of my male friends partners posted that reviled that he was a cheater I would tear a strip off of him… I doubt she has said a word to him about it which again slightly irritates me, what kind of friend allows them to carry on with things such as cheating & feel no way about it. Ugh are there no good people in the world anymore? God I would tear a strip off of one of my friends (if I stayed friends with them) for cheating let alone doing it to their partner who is pregnant with their child. Disgusting. So not only is this whole situation awkward for me but its slightly sickening as well. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Final thought

I wish things were different. I wish he was the man I know he can be. I wish I didn’t have to think about telling my mother why I’m packing up to move in with her & I sure as hell wish I didn’t have to think about what I am going to tell his parents about why I’m leaving. I certainly hope it doesn’t come to leaving but I feel like if he really wanted me, us, he would have changed his tune that moment/the next day but the fact that I had to yet again have the same discussion of “I want it to end” shows me he doesn’t care & that he feels no remorse for what he has done. 2 days is fair I think… 2 minutes would have been fair according to my twitter mama’s.  Don’t judge a girl for hoping her idiot in tinfoil would actually turn into the “knight in shining armour” she deserves.

I can only take so much

 

How

How can someone say they love you & that they want to be with you when they cant even give you a real apology for hurting you? How can someone look you in the eye, look at your face full of tears & not give you some sort of an emotional response? How can he come home & act as if he has done nothing at all. How can a person not feel any guilt over doing something to not only their partner but their unborn child?

Hurting

There are no words to explain how much agony I am in over this… There is in no way enough words to tell you how much I have cried… There is nothing I can think of that compares to potentially losing a family that was never given the chance to be. This would be hard to deal with under any circumstance, let alone at 35 weeks pregnant … I am on the biggest emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on & this just adds a few more hundred feet to the drop, a few more upside down loops to the track… Between the excitement over meeting my son & the pain I am going through with his father I honestly don’t know how to feel… It’s kind of numb right now… Tear soaked face, a heart that literally hurts… I should not be sitting here like this at just about 9 months pregnant.

Please don’t judge

I know a lot of my Twitter Mama’s have been saying things like “Leave” “Get away from that you deserve better” … I KNOW!!! I can’t tell you all enough that I KNOW… I can’t… Only someone in my situation would truly understand this… There are a lot of things holding me back from just up & leaving… Plain & simple I can’t leave until after the baby is here cause I’m too far along & do not want to switch care again, not to mention I deserve the birth I want & with God as my witness I am going to get it. Forgive me if I have high hopes that he will eventually understand what a jack ass he has been & will man up apologize the way he should… Forgive me for wanting him to change & thinking it may potentially happen. Don’t judge me for wanting him & loving him still, you can’t tell me it’s easy to let go… It’s not

When life doesn’t go as planned

Everything about him was love.

I knew ages ago something was up with him, too many things in our relationship changed. I didn’t want to think that something else was going on because I can truly say I love him with everything I’ve got. I have had other relationships I have done things with them, however he was my first... Yes my first. The first man I fell in love with, the first man I gave myself to, the first man to treat me like a man should. I loved everything about him the fact that he came a distance to see me, the fact that he would stay with me over night even though it meant getting up way early to make it to work on time... I loved how he kissed me & held me & I loved that he did that in public. I loved how he had a nice name for me & the fact that he wasn’t abusive was the icing on the cake. He managed to show me he was even more than all that when we went away with my parents for a weekend up north, he helped build the deck & he was over all fantastic, my mom & dad loved him. For my (step) dad to tell me he was a good guy I knew he was a keeper. So why did things go the way they did I still don’t get it.

Changes?

I still don’t see anything on my part that changed in order to make him lie & look else where... I cook for him, I clean for him, I do everything & anything I can for him... Apparently that wasn’t enough. No matter how hard I try it still seems like I’m not doing anything. I don’t know what I did to have him do this to me but he says things are going to change, change for the better. Now I haven’t seen much of an improvement at all... Yet. He still doesn’t bring his phone out around me, it is still on silent & it is still locked. NOT COOL. I am not happy about this & I plan on having a chat with about it no doubt. I am baffled at how willing he seems to lose his family, because if things don’t change I will have to leave... I deserve more in life. I deserve to have my partner be faithful. I deserve a REAL relationship.. My son deserves a family.

Thinking

I know he still loves me, you can tell... Just apparently not enough if he is so willing to hurt me. I also know he does in fact want his son & loves him he talks to my belly & often likes to feel him... God I will never forget the first time he saw his heart beat on the US screen, or the first time he felt him kick. I don’t think I have ever seen him go through so many emotions in seconds I swear 50 faces in 5 seconds. It makes me cry thinking about it. So this leads me to believe that maybe once he gets to hold him & see that we in fact just created a life it may just smack some sense into him. It shouldn’t take holding our baby for the first time to have him really understand what he might be throwing away but it seems men tend to be thick & not grasp a concept right away & usually by the time they do it is far too late.

The plan as of now

Well seeing as my life hasn’t gone as planned I have to set up a new one... Because we all know I sure as hell didn’t plan on being cheated on. He has a second chance. He has the following month to show me improvement to show me he will be committed & faithful not just to me but to his son who could show up any time now between now & Dec 6^th & if he cannot do so then I will pack up my stuff & move to deep river a good 5 hours away. He can then make the attempt because I am done, I have done nothing but be a good faithful & loving girlfriend to him & the fact that he couldn’t do the same kills me. What is that saying “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle”? Well he sure as hell was testing me because for a good 48 hours there I didn’t know what the hell to do. Now that I have had almost a week to digest the fact that my life has been a lie for quite some time I can with a clear mind decide what is best for both myself & my son & that means if things don’t get better I leave cause someone said to be “He (my son) deserves at least 1 happy mom rather than 2 unhappy parents” & that’s the way it’s going to be.. Either he (my partner) mans up & becomes the person he should be, the person I thought I knew or we will be a broken family.

Final thought

I hope he changes... I truly love this man & do not want to walk away but I will if need be no matter how much it may hurt me. I hope my son will have the happy family he deserves. I hope to God that God answers my prayers just this once. My life has been rough as it is do you not think I deserve at least this?  

My Son

Dear Bean

Your 34 weeks old tomorrow & I am just itching to meet you... I know you’re freaking out in there because you know I’m upset but please baby calm down, I promise by the time you get here everything will be ok no matter where we are. I promise to give you everything I never had! You’re not yet here & your father & I are having some major issues... I hope for your sake we can fix this & move on, I grew up without a proper dad or family & it would kill me to that happen to you! You deserve the best of the best & nothing less & I hope we can work things out & be the happy family you are worth. Just know that even if daddy & I can’t sort this out I will make sure you have more love than two parents could give. You are everything to me Jackson you are part of me & always will be nothing will ever change the fact that you are the ONLY important person in my life & I will do anything for you. I am trying really hard not to be upset right now cause you are just going crazy & I know you don’t like it but bare with me baby boy life is not as easy as I want it to be right now. Tomorrow we go for your 34 week check up & hope by then you are ok. I feel horrible for stirring you up like that, but on occasion things are beyond my control. So show the midwife that you’re still head down & let us listen to that healthy heart beat, it won’t be long now, soon enough baby you will be safe in momma’s arms xoxo

Loving you forever & always Your mother xoxo

Once a cheater Always a cheater?

What to think

So last night I found out my partner was in fact cheating on me... With not one girl but TWO! There could potentially be more, but as if I’d be able to find out now. I am absolutely sick to my massively pregnant stomach. Yes pregnant & he cheats, how lovely. I have no friends close that I can go see or talk to at best I have one that I can text & my twitter mama’s. I have no family that I can live with that is close my only option is Deep River with my mom which is a good 5 hour drive away. I spent a good 3 hours crying & trying to keep it quiet as I didn’t want to wake his parents & have to explain everything at 12:30 at night when everyone has to work in the AM. There is so much going through my head I just don’t know what to think. How do I get over this? What do I do about it? I am so unbelievably broken. I feel more alone now than I ever have in my entire life.

I keep asking why

Why? WHY? WHY?!?!?!? What is it that I have done to make him want to cheat on me? Before we lived together on the nights he would spend with me I would get up super early to make him breakfast before work, I would make sure there was a warm meal to come home to, I had bought things like men’s razors deodorant Ect. so he would feel comfortable when he was with me so it was like a second home to him. Now that we live together I do all that I possibly can for him, I constantly tell him how much I love him, how amazing he is, how much I appreciate everything he does for me. So why? It’s not like he is sex deprived... I want it... a lot. So I guess it makes sense as to why I wasn’t getting any. I just don’t know what I did to deserve this. Why he would do this to me still baffles me.

Does he even care?

I don’t even know if he feels bad about any of it. He couldn’t turn the god damn TV off to talk to me. He didn’t once jump to apologize or say it wouldn’t happen again. So how do I take that? He isn’t sorry & it will happen again? Or it’s just not going to stop? He claimed there were only 2 people he loves myself & his son. How do I believe that when he was able to do this to us? I asked him how long did you plan on doing this... his response “Not that much longer” ... WHAT THE FUCK ?!?! It shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I asked him if he has cheated on all of his girlfriends... He says no. So how should I feel about that? PISSED because he cheated ON ME?... Or should I feel some sort of comfort that he CAN be committed?  I am disgusted, I am hurt & I feel like he doesn’t understands just how badly he fucked up or how much he has killed me. It’s so hard to think that my precious little bundle moving around inside me will be shared with a man I don’t even know if I can ever trust again. How could he not apologize? How could he not try to fix it last night?

So where am I here?

If you’re on my twitter you probably know dinner never really worked out so I didn’t eat last night & then found out all the bullshit that has been going on behind my back. It’s 7:10 am & I can feel my lil guy moving around, I feel nauseous, have a ridiculous headache, still have killer back pain & pelvic pain & I can’t stop crying. I have no one to call or go to so I’ll spend the day here doing our laundry & probably crying, hopefully I’ll be able to eat something at some point as I know I should but at the moment that is just not going to happen. I think I’ll attempt to go back to sleep & just pray that he can somehow prove himself? Somehow fix this? So that I can somehow move on for the sake of my son... I am so lost & don’t know where to even begin to attempt to find my way out.

Final thought... More of a final question

Is it true... Once a cheater always a cheater? I hope not.

Willing to admit it

Not the best relationship

I am more than willing to admit my relationship is not perfect. Think about it... is yours? People can make things look as good as they want on the outside, but what goes on behind closed doors? I’m blogging about it because I am not ashamed to admit it, I am NOT perfect... Nor do I wish to be, I just wish things were a little better than they are. I love my partner to death, his is truly the love of my life but that doesn’t change the fact that we have our ups & downs. & lately it has been more downs then ups. I feel if I don’t tell someone about this even if it is just the word document I’m typing in then I may just go insane.

What’s the problem?

Now like I said we have our ups & downs... He can be such a sweetheart at times & I love the fact that he is a cuddle monster but as of late it just seems we do more fighting with one another then cuddling. Tonight was the perfect example of that. It started with something sweet I was hungry wanted pizza my attempt didn’t work with the dough I had made & he made me simple pizza on bread slices, my hero, I ate I was happy I thought it was just adorable. Later on we were fooling around downstairs tickling one another & I accidently hit his ear, he aggressively pushed me away and had such a sour expression. I KNOW I didn’t hurt him bad he wasn’t bleeding just being a poor sport ‘cause he can act like a toddler that way. So I went to caress his face and turn him towards me to apologize & instead the sour face came back and he wouldn’t budge his head. Nice. He stood up finally & after finishing his drink said “K lets go” (to bed) very bluntly, it didn’t sound nice at all. I grabbed my stuff and bolted before the tears started. I was already in an off mood & he knew I just wanted to go to bed cuddle up & fall asleep, apparently that was asking too much of Mr. Pissy pants. So we brushed our teeth in silence while I had a few silent tears (which I know he saw) & then went to bed. By bed I mean he turned his back to me while I cried, which leaves us with him now snoring cuddling the PILLOW, not me, & now I sit here & blog my feelings cause really I have no friends. No one to call, no one to text as it is already 1:10 am & the one person close enough likes to rub it in when things aren’t working for me (some friend).

That’s not the only issue.

If my only problem were one of us having an off night now & then & I was making a big enough deal to blog about it I would hope someone smacked some sense into me. But I have a few issues with my relationship. Lying, hiding & sex. Not all combined thank God. The hiding–He hides a lot of his phone bullshit which pisses me off to no end. If you’re not doing anything I should be concerned about why do you hide everything? It makes me thing SOMETHING is going on, & I have every right to, everyone agrees with the statement “If nothing is going on you shouldn’t have to hide”. But he did, he still does, & probably will continue to. Not cool. The lying-I have caught him lying before a few times about the dumbest shit. If you were honest in the first place I wouldn’t be as pissed off as I am now! It seems men don’t understand that. How am I supposed to trust him with big things when he lies about such small things? Sex-My problem with sex is IM NOT GETTING ANY! At ages 20 & 25 we should be having a hell of a lot more sex then we do. I am lucky if I get laid once a week... Yesterday was the first day I got laid in almost 3 weeks, 3 WEEKS! Now I get it, I am fairly on over drive even before the pregnancy but now being pregnant I BADLY want to get fucked. Once a week? If I’m lucky! ... Yeah I’m not happy about that. I have questioned him about it & tried to figure out what’s going on but I never get a straight answer & always end up thinking he doesn’t want me. Again, not cool, especially now while I’m 8 months pregnant or in other words massive & extremely self conscious about it.

Sitting waiting wishing

If you asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be today I wouldn’t have answered pregnant sex deprived & depressed. I’d have told you that I’d be in school for my sign language, in a very happy healthy relationship with my loving, sweet & kind boyfriend. Obviously things don’t go according to plan however I didn’t think as much as they have gone off course I would be feeling this badly. I honestly feel like I am not enough for him & that is why he doesn’t want me. I feel as if I can’t do anything right for him & like I am a burden in his life. I can only sit & wait while I wish for things to get better.

Final thought

I love him to pieces & I want things to get better. I want to know why I have no sex life & what I’m doing wrong. I want to move on for the better as our son will be here within a few weeks & if things continue the way they are I don’t see us being a happy family 5 years from now, & that KILLS me to think of a life, a home without him. I just hope he knows how much I would do for him & how much he means to me. I hope things get better.

It has always been real but now it’s getting REAL!

As the day draws near

My expected due date is December 6^th 2011 & to those who haven’t read my blog post “Planning My Perfect Birth” I plan on having an un-medicated water birth. I feel the female body is made for this & woman should not fear it but instead embrace it. I could not be happier about finding myself a midwife as she feels the same way about doing things naturally, it is very encouraging & makes me feel that much more sure about my decision.

My problem

Thanks to my friend Megan who introduced me to Twitter & my Twitter Mama circle I have many people I can discuss a variety of topics with ranging anywhere from baby & birth to relationship & money troubles. I absolutely adore having my Twitter mama’s around for support as it seems my family & friends tend to not be so supportive of my birth plan. This is a BIG problem for me. I know deep down what I want & I will get it, however when I have multiple people criticizing me & questioning me about what exactly it is that I want, it can get quite annoying & makes me second guess myself. It really bothers me when people ask about how I want to give birth & then make a face like they are appaulled with MY choice, following the face I often hear the words “You’re crazy!” or “Are you nuts?!” ... Very reassuring people, thank you for that.

Proud

I understand that medical advances have brought us to the point where labour & birth can be much more comfortable than it actually is, however I am choosing NOT to use any medication for multiple reasons & I am very proud of this decision. Now I have discussed it with my midwife quite a bit & there may be a need for medication & things may not go according to plan. That is more than ok, I just want my son to arrive here safely. It is fairly obvious that a woman’s body was made to bare children, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out yet people including women who have children have been looking at me as if I am off the wall for my decisions! Ridiculous. I love my son & the fact that I have carried him for almost 9 months now, I love my body for the simple fact that it allows me to keep him safe & growing strong & I love  my decision to have this birth as naturally as possible cause I was made for this & I am extremely proud of this.

Waiting

Week 33 as of two days ago & I am for sure feeling it. I pretty much roll out of bed, I pee 4 to 6 times during my 6 hour sleep at night, I often have a foot stuck in my ribs or pushing into my lungs & it is driving me nuts when I attempt to shave anything waist down... Regardless of all this I am just enjoying my nesting while I await the arrival of my precious son. Some days though I feel differently, I wish I could just hit fast forward & be done already, but most days I think about how much I am going to miss feeling him move around inside me. 7 more weeks until my EDD if I make it that far, I can do this!!

To My Little Bean

Dear Bean,

Today you are 32 weeks 3 days old & you are making it very clear that you’re growing big & strong. Now I’m not complaining, but oh goodness some days I wish you would take it easy on my ribs & lungs. I noticed a very sharp pain in the top of my abdomen yesterday & was extremely worried something was wrong. You are my son & I love you more than anything so when something abnormal starts happening I instantly panic. Sure enough it was nothing to worry about just some bruising & growing pains. Thank God. So with the scare out of the way please keep packing on the baby fat & don’t pack your bags just yet. I can’t wait to meet you, only 8 short weeks maybe sooner & I’ll be able to hold you in my arms but you are not done baking so stay put wee one & just enjoy the warmth.

Your father & I have been doing tons to get ready for you to make your appearance, all your clothes & blankets are washed, we have the clothes were taking to the hospital all packed & have your little bathing corner set up. We have yet to set up the bassinet because it will be in the room with us & will take up quite a bit of space so we figured we would hold off for a few more weeks, so don’t get any bright ideas on an early arrival. The car seat base is going into the car soon & the baby on board sign is in sitting in the car with the sun window shades just waiting to be put up! Soon Jackson, soon.

I must admit as much as I just wish this pregnancy would hurry up so we can have you here I am really enjoying felling you moving inside me. I started calling you Bean when I saw you in our second ultrasound at 12 weeks & you definitely fit it, you are without a doubt mommy’s little jumping Bean. Some days I swear you don’t sleep & other days I grow anxious to feel you move even the slightest but that rarely happens so I think we’re ok. I first felt your flutters around 16 weeks & it has only gotten better! Now at 32 weeks you show me 5 fingered hands & feet & on occasion you will play tag with me by kicking me where ever I gently poke, it is absolutely adorable!

Until we meet face to face baby boy, I love you lots & am very much so looking forward to your arrival xoxoxoxox

Forever & always

Your loving Mother xoxo

Obtaining a Midwife & Following my Birth plan

To re-cap

When I found out I was pregnant I had my doctor send out over 10 referrals to different OB’s & of course the ONLY one to contact us with availability was absolutely horrible. He was rude & made me feel extremely uncomfortable; he wouldn’t answer any of my questions & didn’t perform any of the testing he should have. I knew even before a midwife crossed my mind that I wanted new care.

Making the calls

Living in Ontario it is already super hard to obtain a midwife from the moment you find out you’re pregnant, let alone at 7 months! Lucky for me after calling multiple offices & individual midwifes one called me back & was willing to take me on. I was booked for an intake session & was one happy camper!

Meeting the midwife

When I arrived at the little house I was ecstatic! I walked in with the thought of “This is it this is going to be for me!” I was early of course & the secretary had told me to take a seat, feel free to read any of the books off the wall suggested a few she liked & offered me a glass of water... Amazing already! What a change compared to the OB’s office where I was told to sit by a very grouchy woman & wasn’t acknowledged until the OB walked out an hour later & called my name. So I sat down with a book & within minutes my midwife was there to take me. We went down stairs she gave me a quick rundown of where everything was on the way & then we stepped into her office, I was already over whelmed with joy it wasn’t in a small little awkward Doctors office It was a spacious comfortable room with a comfy couch & extra chairs around. I sat down & she gave me the speech of who they were & what they were about, she asked me a bunch of questions & answered all of mine & then reassured me that I didn’t have to decide now but could take a week to think about my decision. She gave me some papers to go home & look over; I knew walking out of there this was for me. I called the next day after having read the papers & booked my first appointment, the secretary told me I would be having a full hour long appointment, an hour?! Gosh was I excited! With the OB I was lucky to get 5 full minutes, let alone an hour!

Our First appointment

Although our appointment was for 4 till 5 she was running late due to something that happened in the AM so we ended up seeing her from 5 till 6. I was a little flustered waiting mainly because I was just really excited for my appointment to take place. Finally my midwife, Nadia, came out & got both my partner & I & we went into her office. There was no having to ask if he could come in the room (like we had to at the OB) it was assumed he was coming in. She started filling out a short medical history & asked not only me about my family past & back ground but my partner too! She directed all of the information to both of us, she asked us about our relationship, our feelings about a new baby & our concerns about becoming parents. NONE of this happened in my OB office! She asked me if I had any concerns about the pregnancy & my baby & encouraged me to page or call if I felt even the smallest concern & needed reassurance. Now that all the talking (for the most part) was out of the way it was time for the check up portion. She took a urine test, checked my blood pressure, checked the baby’s heart beat, measured my belly & did a feel around. Everything came back perfectly! The baby’s heart beat was 130 & my belly is measuring right where it should be, when she did the feel around it confirmed that the baby was not breech but head down like he should be which was a relief to hear. Needless to say I was very happy with all of this news. At the end of the appointment she handed us the registration form for Sunny Brook Hospital... You know what that means? It means if everything goes well & according to plan I am getting my water birth!

Final thought

I am so pleased I was able to rid of the OB & obtain a midwife. I love the midwife & how she directs everything to my partner & myself. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I am following my birth plan & getting my water birth & I am very much looking forward to my next appointment in 2 weeks. 

Daddy issues

It started at birth

My father is the kind of man you would refer to as a “sperm donor” not a dad. It took me a very long time to figure this out. Kids love their parents usually regardless of what s/he is like, but not in my case. I’m sure there are plenty of children like myself whom are not fond of their parents, sad to think, however very true. It is extremely unfortunate for any child to endure horrible parenting, even worse when the child witnesses their family allow it to happen.

From A to Z

Like I said it took me a long time to figure out what a horrible man my “dad” was but once I did there was no seeing him in any other light regardless of what anyone else says.

Picture this (supervised) weekend visits with “Daddy” ages 2 – 12 pickup time 6pm Friday to drop off 6/8pm Sunday. This was NEVER followed I was lucky if he showed up on the Friday & if he did it was usually around 10/11 pm leaving us to get to my grandparents house by 1-2am right? Wrong. He had to stop along the way at a friend’s place to smoke & drink. Now sometimes I was brought inside sometimes he would leave me asleep in the car (can’t tell you how many times I woke up & “Daddy” wasn’t there. Scary.), so he’s done his partying onward to grandma/pa’s house right? Wrong. Sometimes he would decide we were going to spend the night. I HATED this more than anything, was usually someone I didn’t know & it was usually very awkward for me being a little girl around older men I didn’t know. As far as I know I have never been touched, but I have blocked out a lot of my childhood as it is very painful & just easier to not remember, however nothing I can’t remember if reminded about it somehow so pretty sure if there was sexual abuse I would have remembered it by now. Anyway back to my picture this, so awkward overnights with strange strung out people I didn’t know/like or a super late arrival at my grandparents. If we stayed overnight we would eventually leave on the Saturday when he was good & ready usually 3-4 pm (I learned not to ask to go home very quickly cause he would hit me & tell me to get lost) do you think he fed me in the time we were at these places? Nope. So I would be STARVING & upset & just wanted to go home but we would continue on to grandma/pa’s for the last night of my weekend visit. When it came time to eat I usually wanted seconds as I hadn’t eaten all day & my grandparents would refuse to give me more & say things such as “No you don’t want to be fat do you?” NICE! So I developed a hatred for myself. Now if we DID go to grandma/pa’s on the Friday night after he was done partying my “dad” would walk me up to my room put me in bed & usually went back out I would cry myself to sleep praying he would be there in the morning. So morning would come & before I was tall enough to look out the window & look for his car I would run down stairs like a kid waiting to see if Santa came... I would open the door to the basement super slow then swing it open really fast hoping to see dad sleeping on the couch. More often than not he wasn’t home, & if he was my grandparents wouldn’t let me “bug” him as he needed his sleep... I never understood how I was bugging him I would turn the TV on or put on a movie & curl up to his drunken passed out self cause he was warm & it was my “dad” it was comforting as a child before I understood things. The rest of the visit was spent usually running errands with my grandparents & then I would get to spend the drive home with dad very quietly while he bitched about my mom because he only had visit’s (FOR GOOD REASON!) Sad very, very sad but this is how my visits went for years till I finally had had enough & stopped seeing him for about 2 years.

 Now if you think THAT is bad... That isn’t even half of what he put me through. Every year he would call me on my birthday & make me cry because he would make me feel horrible about him not being there... Uhm hello you live 2 hours away, you were invited & came up with some excuse as to why you couldn’t make it... It was usually just another vent session of I hate your mother & you should feel like shit because of that. Awesome. If I were to go into every little thing he has done to me you would be reading this blog for days so I’ll stop there with the miniscule stuff.

The 2 years I didn’t talk to him were great! I actually felt good, until he finally called again. He made me feel like the worst person ever for cutting him out of my life & so I gave him another chance not like I really had a choice; too many people were telling me to. So I went back to the odd visit here & there... until I was 16 & got into a fight with mom, decided to move in with dad. Worst mistake of my life, he beat me when he was drunk because he was drunk & he beat me when he wasn’t drunk because he didn’t have anything to drink. I smoked pot at the time & he used to take it from me & smoke it in front of me & beat me some more, oh he was also with my “step mom” who encouraged his beating me (because it wasn’t her) again, awesome right? ... My life was sheer hell living with him & people thought I had a good life cause of how I presented myself at school. I lived in this hell for 2 years on my 18^th birthday we got into a fight & he gave me a black eye & kicked me out of his home so I spent the last few hours of my 18^th birthday crying in the backseat of my friends car surrounded by my bags & nursing a black eye, happy birthday to me! I moved out & was on my own for a little before I went back to mom.

Today

It has now been almost 3 years since I have spoken to him & am getting quite sick of people like my aunt trying to get me to talk to him because I just don’t want to go back there, EVER! I am however slightly conflicted. My step dad who is an absolutely amazing man & has always been more my dad then my biological father said I should allow him to meet my son. I do plan on going showing my grandfather & aunt the baby once he is here & step dad says try to work it out so he can meet the baby too it IS his grandson after all & he is probably hurting. Honestly I do NOT want him in my sons life at all, & I sincerely hope he is hurting, after the years of emotional & physical abuse he put me through I hope he understand the pain he put me through his own child, how someone can do that to their child baffles me. So do I listen to my step dad & do the “right” thing or do I stick to my gut & just stay away... Leaning more towards the stay away but any input from my readers is appreciated.

Why I posted this

Yes I posted to get some feed back as to what I should do but I didn’t plan on posting about my daddy issues yet... The only reason I brought it up is because his birthday was October third, I hope he cried like he made me do every year, I hope he hurt like I have my entire life, & I hope he feels like the asshole he is. Whether this makes me a horrible person or not I could care less, I just want him to realize & understand what he has done to me because my past with him I know for a fact affects my relationship with my partner. Anyhow like I said input is appreciated, thanks for the read!

Everything’s changing

The last 2 weeks

To put it in one word the last two weeks have been CRAZY! I cried A LOT, I cleaned non-stop & I fought with multiple people. It was an extremely emotional time for me to be moving out of my mother’s house & into my partners, but I did it I am here & things are going... well.

Leaving the apartment

Leaving was hard. I have moved away from my mom before but it is never easy & Even though our relationship isn’t always the greatest it was hard for me to say good bye to her again.  That wasn’t the worst part of leaving though I think it was the cleaning & last minute packing. With only 5 days left & a partially empty apartment I was going crazy trying to pack everything up & clean the place. It is extremely hard to do when my mother just sat on her computer all day doing nothing but making a mess as I cleaned. I was so beat by day 4 that when all of my things were packed & gone I left the very few last minute things up to her. I hope she managed ok.

Mom

So my mom is moving about a 5 hour drive from where I am & although she is in the city for 1 more month (with some family) it is as if she is already gone. I have mixed feelings about this. As much as I am happy to be out because I won’t be fighting with her or stressing over her I miss her... She is still my mom. My partner doesn’t quite seem to understand this & probably never will, so I can only hope he can bear with me through my emotional mom rollercoaster. I have only spoken to her on the phone twice in the last week that we have been apart & both times I had to fight back tears as I didn’t want her to know I was hurting (VERY hard to do at 8 months pregnant) but thankfully the conversations were short. Still adjusting to no mom again so we will see how things progress.

Moving in with my partner

When I say my partner... I mean him, his parents, his grandparents & his brother. Can you say AWKWARD? I can. Again this is something my partner doesn’t seem to understand. He gets to stay comfy in his home surrounded by his family. I however am pulled out of & away from everything & everyone I know, harsh but necessary. The plan was to live with my mom for a while then move out on our own but when my mom up & decided to leave plans had to change. We didn’t have time to save up to go on our own so the options were I move 5 hours away from him & see him whenever possible or move into his house with his parents till we get on our feet. We obviously chose living with his parents. This is very strange for me, his family is VERY different from mine & it is taking a little getting used to. Now I’m not saying his family is weird or this is a bad thing cause its far from bad but it is like I said VERY different so it is a little strange & uncomfortable.

The differences

Living with my mom meant I was picking up after my 18 year old brother & 40 year old mother on a daily basis, it felt as if I could never get anything done because as soon as I cleaned something they had messed something up or as soon as all the laundry was caught up there would be another 2 loads from 1 of their rooms, I would go out having done all the dishes come home to a sink full. How 2 people were able to make such a mess I do not know, but I do know it was driving me crazy & led to a lot of fights because I would get to a breaking point where I would flip out & demand change that never came. Now compare that to living here with his parents where there really isn’t much for me to do. The only things I can do around here are mine & my partners laundry, the odd (very few) dishes that are in the sink, & cook dinner for my partner & I. This is slightly weird as I am used to doing so much more but it’s awesome cause I can focus on my nesting & preparing for baby, it also allows me to nap when I’m sleepy relax when I need to. Although I slightly miss being so busy I’ll enjoy it for now till baby gets here as I’m sure there will be lots to do afterwards.

Adjusting

So now I’m going into my second week living here, I miss my mom & my old place & am finding his place still very uncomfortable & awkward but I understand this will take some time to get used to which is fine just wish it was a little easier. The fact that I am just about 8 months pregnant does not help with any of this, in fact, I am pretty sure it makes it all a little more awkward. For now though all is well I am safe & warm & in good hands & just thanking God my son will have good family around him.

I Can't Be Anything But Who I am

Who, what?

I never really understood the idea behind having a favourite band. I liked almost anything my ears were exposed too. From early 70’s to the millennium’s colourful array of musical tastes I was not picky. Then I found Blue October. This band has never created a bad song in my opinion. What started as a “1 hit wonder” on my favourite radio station would eventually become my musical escape, my inspiration, my favourite.

How

 I had just started High school I was in a very dark place & my first choice of entertainment was not the TV or computer but my MP3. It was a crappy little thing now that I look back, but I loved it! It had my awkward playlist, a radio & recorder!  I faithfully listened to 102.1 The Edge; in the AM was the awesome The Dean Blundell Show, in the evening I learned a lot from Alan cross & throughout the day I listened to my colourful play list. Blue October was a new band to the station & they played their song Hate Me it took a while to grow on me but then I was in love with it. I looked the band up & bought some of their previous CD’s. Every song I listened to I loved, every word was just so deep & put together so well with the music I couldn’t get enough. I was in a dark place for a long time as life was never easy for me & I just found that I had some sort of connection to every song. It probably doesn’t help I found the lead singer Justin steward furstenfeld very attractive.  My colourful playlist turned into strictly Blue October. I loved everything about them & the fact that they didn’t just stick to the typical instruments but incorporated things such as a violin, mandolin & viola played by Ryan Paul Delahoussaye. It gives the music the music such an amazing feel to it & makes it that much deeper.

A little about the band

Together since 1995 out of Houston Texas, t he band consists of mainly three people Justin Furstenfeld Lead Vocals/Guitar, Ryan Delahoussaye Violin/Mandolin/Viola/Keyboard/Backing vocals, & Jeremy Furstenfeld on drums. They have 9 Albums The Answers, Consent To Treatment, History For Sale, Foiled, Approaching Normal & the most recent Any Man In America Plus their live albums Argue With A Tree, Foiled For The Last Time & Ugly Side: An Acoustic Evening With Blue October.

Why Can I relate? Take a look at some of these lyrics before I start...

Chameleon Boy – History For Sale                                                                                                                            

So now we've come upon the hardest thing I've ever done
It's telling you that I'm a mess
What sort of mess I mean
Is self-destructive gasoline
The kind that strips you of your best

HRSA - Consent To Treatment 

Committed at twenty two
Just to get over you
My belly aches blue
Lorazepam flu
I'm down for the count
Always three times a day
Sometimes four
A bee stings right through the arm
The high swing I ride upon
My eyes can't quite focus on
The nurse with my Lucky Charms

Ugly Side – History For Sale                                                                                                                                   

Now I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
& not my ugly side
& not my ugly side (Ugly side)

Why?

I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16 my grandmother died, my mother & I were constantly fighting & I had just moved in with my abusive alcoholic father. I didn’t take any medication for it as I react poorly to drugs & usually need very little compared to most people, doctors don’t seem to understand that so instead of putting myself through the trial & error of a medicated roller coaster I chose to just “deal” smoked pot to help “ease” the pain but nothing prescribed. Probably not the best idea, life got worse.

A lot of my childhood I had blocked out & I quickly learned why as memories came flooding back after only a few weeks with “daddy”. He was a father to the best of his ability, I would not say a good one but yes sometimes he tried... I have very FEW good memories of him. Come to think of it I really only have one & it is kind of sad now that I think about it. The only good thing my father ever did was pass out drunk. As a child on weekend visits at grandma & grandpa’s house I would wake up super early as kids usually do & tip toe down to the basement (if grandparents heard me they wouldn’t let me “disturb” him until he woke up (usually late afternoon) & curl up with my passed out father.. He was warm & it was comforting. I would stay curled up with him for a few hours watching a movie or some TV & then I would get pulled away for breakfast I was not allowed back down until he was awake, this was IF he was even home. I would cry myself to sleep the previous night & pray that he would be there in the morning...  A.M came &before I was tall enough to look out the window of my bedroom for his car I would run down stairs usually crushed when I opened the basement door to see no “daddy”. The waiting game was on. Needless to say at the age of 16 when your dealing with your dad who likes to hit & drink was hard enough then throw in some childhood trauma this did not make the ordeal any easier.

As stubborn as I am I could not go back to my mom right away, she would have been right & I would have none of that so I dealt with my dad(& his coke head GF) & bared through it until I was 18...

 Happy 18^th birthday...

My dad was never home till 7 or 8 at night so I decided to take my time on my way home from school; I went for a bike ride with a friend... I got home at 6pm& not my usual 4pm... He was home & PISSED, why? ‘Cause he was waiting 2 whole hours. Never mind the life time I waited for a real “dad”, regardless, I showed up he started fighting with me I fought back this time, he threw my gift at me (a hamster)  & then got abusive & told me to leave. I ended my 18^th birthday in my friend’s car in tears surrounded by my bags of clothes a new hamster & a black eye. Awesome.

The previous month my aunt who was like a second mum to me had died, I wasn’t handling it well at all & could not go home to the house where my mother & her lived & where I grew up... too much to cope with at that point & time. I rented a basement apt from a dead beat mom to 2 children... I was insta mom just add water. I took care of her children until I finally moved back in home (once she had sold the house).

Time to breathe

So now what? Back home with mom as we had a better relationship at this point... I was still depressed but nothing I couldn’t handle. Must have been the fact that stresses were gone but everything I had repressed in two years had come to head... I started having Panic attacks & general anxiety. Again, I chose to just deal for the most part no medication. I had ativan for the really BIG attacks that I just couldn’t deal with... I taught myself to breathe through them & learned how to handle them for the most part but still to this day I struggle with my anxiety.

How the band & my past/current life tie together

After finding Blue October & falling in love with their sound & the lyrics I began to look more into them as I wanted to know why they were so “deep” with every single word they sang. Turned out not only was Justin dealing with his own issues (BI polar disorder) but other members of the band were dealing with issues as well. This made me love them more. It gave it that much more meaning & made me feel even closer with the music.

Where am I going here?

I’m not entirely sure what the point of this blog was...I guess I have a few reasons why I posted it. Firstly to get some stuff of my chest. Second to share an amazing band with everyone & anyone I can. Third to share with you that even if you are diagnosed with something & don’t want to take medication... You can deal with it, no matter how weak you feel you ARE strong, no matter how low you get there IS a way back up.(However if you are putting yourself or others at risk I would suggest medication... It is there to help.)

Final Thought

“I can’t be anything but who I am.” & who I am is a broken individual dealing with her past & pressing on to a better, brighter future. I am a strong willed, stubborn & unique woman who is just looking to figure myself out & sharing that journey with whoever wants to take my hand & walk with me through it. Whether you’re a family member, a friend, a twitter mama or just a random blog reader thanks for the read & remember you too can’t be anything but who YOU are & you are amazing.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpeRI_dTsZU

Planning my “Perfect” Birth

My goal

Ideally I would like a water birth. Whether it is to be at home or in hospital this is the way I would like to go about things. I picture a quiet, warm setting allowing me to have a natural, un-medicated water birth with my partner in the pool/tub behind me. I want the immediate skin to skin contact as soon as he is out & I also would like for the cord to stop pulsating before my partner cuts it. As far as medical professionals go my first choice is to use Sunny brook’s only tub as it is comforting to know that everything is there if we need it. If this option is unavailable I would like to have the water birth at home with a midwife & potentially a doula if we can afford one.

Rainbows & butterflies

I know that everyone pictures the perfect birth & I understand that things may (& probably will) not go according to plan, but I can hope. I also understand that if I am un-medicated I will more than likely not be quiet. Understandably so, I know this is going to hurt but for the short amount of time I will be in pain once I’m holding my baby in my arms for the first time I doubt that I’ll even be focused on that at all. Even if my birth isn’t perfect or even close to the way I have planned it I really am just hoping for the safe arrival of my son.

Baby steps (pun intended)

I can’t just wait till I am in labour & decide “OK this is how it is going to happen” so I am officially in motion attempting to obtain this ideal birth. I have contacted all the midwives in the GTA & am on the waiting lists in hopes of getting one. I have also emailed Sunnybrook hospital in regards to getting an OB through there that is willing to deliver via water birth. Unfortunately Sunnybrook is the ONLY hospital in all of the GTA that has a single pool for birthing & there is also not a single birthing centre here in Toronto which was really upsetting however I will deal. So now it’s time to play the waiting game. *fingers crossed*

Backup plan

Seeing as my water birth is becoming more of a dream then reality I have to have a back up labour plan. I know I am NOT comfortable with an epidural, the whole premise of it freaks me right out. Again I realize birth is no walk in the park but once I have my son safely in my arms all will be quickly forgotten. That being said If I do have to go with the whole “flat on your back & push” birth I think I would definitely like some pain relief so I am looking into different anaesthetic blocks that I can I use, none that will not interfere with being mobile during labour or pushing when the time comes. I plan on spending much of my labouring process in water which is offered by most hospitals, thank God. Again, I just want the safe arrival of my son.

Final thought

As much as both my ideal birth & my back up birth are how I would like to go about things I am more than willing to change things to get my baby here as safely as possible. Although chances of C-section are slim as I have an “Anterior Placenta” if I have to have one then so be it. It’s all down to the waiting game. Waiting for a midwife or an OB to contact me, waiting for appointments & waiting for the pregnancy to come to term. Seven months has already flown by & I only have a small stretch before our new addition arrives.

Call me crazy

It’s not just me

As far as I know myself & many other women are considered “bitchy” or “demanding” & many other words, I am sure the list goes on & on; however we really are NONE of these things unless it’s brought on. Don’t poke the bear if you don’t want it to attack. Seriously, that is great advice. I doubt any men read my blog but if they do please take that advice and burn it into your brain. We women are the bears do not poke us we do not like it we will attack & you will NOT like it. I promise.

Easily avoided

I as well as many others would not get pissy or bitchy about things had they been done right the first time. I would not get pissy or bitchy had you listened when I said “I don’t like when you......” Or “It bothers me when....” Apparently for some... scratch that, ALL men; this is a hard concept to grasp. I do not understand why life would be much, much easier if this was just taken & understood.

Why do I bring this up?

Let me use one of the small things that bug me. Now again, call me crazy, I feel like when I ask someone, especially that one & only how they are doing the question should be returned. I don’t care if you want to know or not plain & simple it’s just polite, makes me feel like you care. If I really wanted to be a bitch I could get upset that he doesn’t just ask out of the blue, but I think that might be asking too much.  I just  feel like not only is it the polite thing to do but it makes me feel as if he thinks about me, like wonders how I’m doing (I am only 7months pregnant) & would care to find out. Forgive me if this is something silly to be upset over but hey, I am all about the “little things”.

I know this won’t change

I get it. Stereotypically men don’t get it & women will always hate it & always be the “bad guy” for pointing it out. Why things are this way I will NEVER understand, I just wish they were a little easier to handle at times.  I love my partner to pieces & as much as I used to think “he’s not like all men” & he isn’t in a lot of ways, but he is. I guess I just have to learn to deal with it? I am sure there is a way I could potentially approach my concerns & feelings where he might actually understand it from my point of view, however at this point & time I am lost as to how to deal with this. I could just be hopeful but I think things can change & that there can be a middle ground where feelings are expressed without fighting & misunderstanding one another, I just wish it would happen now before baby.

I’m done I promise

Now that I have had a good cry & vented a little, I think it is time to sleep. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day!

Cheers

Dear Jackson

Today you are 26 weeks & 3 days old. Soon enough your father & I get to met you, although at times it seems like not soon enough!  We got some things for you today from your great Aunt Linda, & great Uncle Feet (Marcel)... No real explanation as to why I called him Uncle Feet growing up but I did & it stuck.  I can’t tell you how strange it is setting things up and checking them out, washing & folding your clothes... It’s a very strange feeling the excitement & anticipation to see you in them, soon enough though, right?

The real reason I started this note to you was to tell you a little about your Daddy, he is truly amazing & loves you so much. You will absolutely adore him. We set up a play pen for you today so we could check it all out & of course... Your Father broke something. What a surprise! I couldn’t help but smile watching him snap things into place. I know he is just as excited to meet you as I am. Jackson you have no idea yet just how much we both love you. I hope you already know his voice, he talks & sings to you often enough, it is the most amazing feeling in the world when he does that. I want to cry. I can’t begin to express how happy he makes me & how happy he will make you. I couldn’t be more thrilled to start a family with anyone but him!

On that note I am off to sleep finally seeing as you have stopped kicking me & your dad has now been asleep for almost 2 hours next to me. We love you so much baby boy, sleep well & keep growing mwah xoxox

Forever & always, your loving Mother

Things you hear when your pregnant

These are some things(Good & bad)  both my partner & I have heard since the news of our little one.

Friends

“Well I guess you have my blessing” You guess? Who asked you? Not me.

“Wow you must be like ready  to pop him your massive” Uh, no not quite but thanks for making me feel fat!

“What if your baby is ugly?” WOW Did you really just say that? -.-

“Eww are you really going with that name?” Eww? THANKS.. I like it *bitch* -.-

Aunts/Uncles

“Uh, I think you missed a health class” Ha ha!!

“When is the wedding?” *sigh* When are you done making me feel like *this* big? -.- Baby before marriage isn’t THAT bad!! : (

“Do you know who ‘s it is? No, I have only been with the same guy for how long now?

“Better be prepared, what if it is special needs?” WHO SAYS THAT?!

Siblings

“Swallow some toys so he can play, like lego everyone likes lego!... OH or those silicone balls that come in packets in side of shoes, they are like tiny marbles!” LMFAO!

“I plan on teaching him to hate you” Then I guess you aren’t going to see him much are you?

“I don’t have to buy him anything right?” No one asked you to ... Dick.

Grandparents

“Well I guess I’m going to be a great grandpa, gee you were bad enough why this?” Uh, sorry? =s

“I’m only going to see it if you bring it to me” Nice.

“Do you want this baby?” Even if I didn’t would I be telling you?

“Do you like her?”  (In ref to myself) Gee, I hope so!

Parents

“How did this happen?”  Hmm well we took our clothes off & then... Well you know...

“I bet you’re going to need my help” Wow. That is really going to make me want to ask you if I did....

Dealing with an unplanned pregnancy

 He’s coming!

Although my son’s arrival was not planned, he is on his way. There is no turning back & not a single regret about keeping him. My partner & I are very excited to meet him & could not be happier about starting a family together.

Conception to believing

I found out I was pregnant on April 8^th with a home test ... I was a little thrown off by the 2 pink lines that appeared instantly. I was overwhelmed with emotions both good & bad, I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to handle this, all I knew was I was having a baby. It was confirmed by my doctor the following week with blood work she sent me for my first ultrasound on April 14^th 2011 they found nothing from an external & had to do it internally, they told me I was roughly 5 weeks 1day & gave me an EDD of Dec 14^th. This was still unreal, I knew I was pregnant I was really starting to feel symptoms but it still wasn’t real for me. My second ultrasound was set for May 11^th I should have been 9 weeks exactly according to the sonographer, I was in fact 9 weeks 3 days they changed my EDD to Dec 11^th. They checked a few things & let me watch my little Bean moving around on there, I still could not believe it. There was a baby inside of me. The sonographer asked me if I had anyone in the waiting room, I did. My partner had come along for this one I wanted him to be a part of as much of the pregnancy as possible he is the father & this little life is half his. The brought him in which was slightly awkward for me at first as I had my pants off (I’m unsure as to why)  & my belly full of goo, but he came in the tiny dark room and  stood by my feet the sonographer brought our baby up on the screen & showed us his heart... I cried. There was no thud no noise...just this little bright spot that was pulsing in his chest you could see his over sized head and that heart just beating away... It still wasn’t real yet, was there something wrong with me? I went home with the picture of my lil bean at 9 weeks 3days & just stared & stared & stared I would hold my tummy I would think that is inside of me... I STILL could not believe it, so much for "seeing is believing". I was set to go for a 3^rd ultrasound, my 12 week scan... Again I brought my partner along, & again my due date changed my baby was expected to arrive Dec 9^th.... I seen my Bean & again cried but this time it was real, I was going to be a mommy, it finally clicked in!

Telling the parents

We kept our bundle a secret for over a month. My partner & I talked about how we were going to tell them & had decided a letter would be the best way, this way they had some time to digest what was happening. The evening of Thursday May the 26^th my partner had written his letter & the next day after returning from work left it in their bedroom before leaving to come to see me for the weekend. We sat up anxiously awaiting word from them... Finally around 11pm they called. His dad called. Asked him to come home after he was done work the next day (he works on Saturday more often than not) they wanted to talk to him. Understandable, we were having a baby & didn’t live together yet, he didn’t have his own car yet, there was a lot to do & think about before this baby gets here. I still don’t know ALL the details of the conversation cause my partner isn’t one to talk as it is (Which sucks for a talker like me) but I do know they were not thrilled, at all. My turn, the following week I attempted I don’t know how many times to write my parents a letter... I just didn’t know where to start. So I started with an ultrasound. I pasted one of my ultrasounds in a card; his hand was near his face so I made a little joke of how he was waving “Hi I’m here!”  ... I started my letter & it was supposed to be short sweet & to the point but it wasn’t. I ended up writing a good 3 pages, I won’t go into detail but I had a lot to say. Friday June 3^rd I packed my letter & card into my mother’s bag. Hoping she would unpack as soon as she got to the cottage. She didn’t. I went to the hospital that night due to severe abdominal pain that had me freaked right out, the doctor confirmed it was Braxton hicks & as we were just finishing up she called me, I didn’t answer right away. I called her back as soon as we stepped out of emergency, when she picked up I assumed she was calling due to my letter, she wasn’t. We got off the phone she did not sound happy. My partner & I went home & slept. About 4:30am that Saturday my partner got up to have his shower for work, I turned my phone on to see if I had any messages... The texts started to come in... She was extremely supportive & expressed she was excited to be a grandma! This was very shocking to me but I was happy about it none the less. Now we were waiting for his parents to really come around they didn’t for about a month but now as it stands are supportive & as far as I know looking forward to our little addition on the way.

Rough pregnancy

Since I started experiencing symptoms of my pregnancy it has been a bumpy ride. The 1^st trimester was horrible I was very ill a lot of the time & had trouble keeping almost anything down. At 13 weeks I experienced my first wave of “Braxton Hicks” contractions, this concerned my doctor. Now at 24 weeks 5days I get BH contractions on & off regularly, I often feel light headed, get dizzy very easily & twice I have had a “spot” of blood. My baby seems to be growing healthily & moves a ton! Although my doctors are concerned all seems well so far. I have been advised to take it easy & to try not to stress but that is fairly hard with my current living situation.

Times are tough

Stressing, stressing, stressing. It seems that is all I do lately. I currently live with my 41 year old mother who cannot clean a damn thing if her life depended on it & my 18 year old brother who thinks he can do & say as he pleases. I am constantly cleaning up after the 2 of them & catering to both of them, it seems that if I don’t fights often occur & they gang up on me. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was all verbal, but my brother likes to hit. He has not hit me since I’ve been pregnant but has often threatened to & does still throw things at me still. He has punched numerous holes in the walls & has kicked in my door in a few times to the point where it doesn’t close properly. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to be getting out of here for my sons sake if not for my own. On top of living in hell my partner & I are both stressing over a car & a place to live. With only his income at the moment things are rough & I feel like the worst person in the world because I cannot do anything to help us out at the moment. I often stress about our relationship as well, I love him to pieces & I know he loves me but it’s just with all that is going on I feel as if we are not as close with each other as we should be when starting a family. This often makes me feel worthless & unwanted & I don’t know how to fix things.

Where does that leave us?

I’m 6 months pregnant, we as of yet still don’t have a car & will probably have to stay with his parents for at least a month before we can find a place that is affordable. I don’t see my partner as much as I used to as he needs to save money & gas is just too expensive to be traveling back & forth from 1 city to another. I often find myself breaking down, between not having him around, feeling alone & being stressed out. It has been more than a lot to handle. I often doubt myself & feel as if I’m not good enough for my partner let alone my son. I am however thankful for the support of my “Twitter mama’s” & my closest yet so far away friend Megan whom has been a blessing to have only a ring away. I am handling things as best I can at this point, but often worry about my partner & how he is holding up & feeling about things.

On that note

I find myself crying ... again it has taken me hours to write a single post because as soon as I get to the rough stuff it is just over whelming & extremely hard to be honest with myself about how fucked up things really are. I appreciate you taking the time to read this & apologize for it being a long read.

Here is to hoping that things improve

-          Growing Belly

I

To My Son

A note to one of the two loves of my life.

Dear Jackson,

You are 23 weeks & 3 days old today, that means only 17 more weeks till your father & I get to meet you. You have come a long way, even though at times it may not seem like it, half your time baking is already up! 116 days till your EDD, its passing quicker than I thought, you’re going to be Mommy & Daddy’s early Christmas gift (& the best one I will have ever gotten might I add!).  We can’t wait J

I must point out how strong you are getting in there! It seems like just yesterday I was waiting to feel you move now you don’t stop! From little tiny movements to full blown kickboxing you move a lot, especially when I’m trying to sleep (but that’s ok I love knowing you are OK in thereJ) the only time you really quiet down is when your daddy is here (or when I take a shower), EVERY time I want to show him my belly jump you quiet down a whole bunch & hardly move, that’s not very fair! Your dad tells me all the time “Don’t worry, I will get to see him move lots, especially once he is here” But I just wish he could see you go crazy, just once, it makes me smile to no end & I want to share that with him. You should have seen the face when he first felt you move himself! I was feeling your little flutters for a good 3 weeks before you started kicking hard enough for your dad to feel it. I will NEVER forget the first movement you showed him; I had just recorded 2 of your kicks on camera earlier in the day & was going to show him when he came home from work. He walks in the door & is on the phone with a friend from work so as he continues his conversation I pull up the video & play it. The first kick he witness’s his face said “what in the world” by the 2nd kick his face said “Wow!” & It only got better. So now I am sitting beside him on the bed you start moving again so I lay down (he is still on the phone) & put his hand on my belly, his facial expression must have changed about 10 times in 10 seconds. The first kick or punch you tossed him his eyes looked confused & he mouthed the words “Was that him?” but before he could finish the sentence you really took off jumping & kicking His eyes buldged & the faces started until they ended with a smile & the look of awe on his face was priceless. I wish I had recorded his reaction, but I didn’t think of it at the time.

Moving on to something slightly unpleasant... Why don’t you like plums? I LOVE them however have not been able to eat them since I have been pregnant with you, I have attempted on (officially)4 separate occasions & every time I have ended up getting sick. This is very unfortunate seeing as they’re one of my favourite fruits. I certainly hope it doesn’t stay this way after you are born. Also what is up with the hormones? I feel horrible sometimes cause I snap at your dad a lot & he doesn’t always deserve it. It would be nice if they calmed down a little cause I feel like a crazy person for crying or being angry for no reason.

Regardless of the few cons, I cannot begin to tell you how amazing carrying you is.  As much as I would like to fast forward to you being in my arms I am going to enjoy every minute of you growing inside of me. Not 100% sure how your dad feels about the pregnant part (probably does not enjoy my mood swings) but I do know he has been nothing short of amazing to both of us. He sings & talks to you & is always asking about you when he is not around. He & I love you so very much & can’t wait to meet you Lil’Man

Loving you forever & always,

 Mommy xoxo