Flustered

Truly not fair

If you don’t want to be with someone don’t drag them along for a ride… If you can’t be committed to someone than leave them, is this too much to ask? I don’t think so. This entire relationship has been slightly unfair. I have done nothing to deserve the hurt he has caused me. What is even more unfair is the fact that I still love him & am still so hopeful he may just change. The fact that I’m days away from giving birth to our son is really the only thing keeping me here. I would really like to think that God exsists but I am highly doubting s/he does considering it seems left right & centre I’m being dealt the worst cards possible.

Him

He is laying in bed next to me as I sit up on the computer crying quietly, this has become quite the routine as of late & I am not too fond of it. Why I am here in the first place baffles me as I KNEW this was going to happen… Between the hurt he caused me in the past with a previous pregnancy & the messages I had seen between him & some girl… I should have left… I should have ran. I didn’t, why, cause I fell for the bullshit he fed me then. We fought, I suggested breaking up, moving on, leaving one another… He “Wanted” to be with me… Why? He was fucking around back then & he knew, he knew this had happened to me before & I begged him “If you’re ever going to cheat on me, please just leave me.” But apparently that went in one ear & out the other… He had a few free passes to agree to a break up & I would not have known jack shit, but no, instead a year later I sit here with my fears confirmed without the chance to just say “Fuck it I can do better” instead a year later I’m looking down at my massively pregnant tummy watching my little alien baby go nuts & not wishing that he wasn’t on his way more wishing he would have come when the time (&person?) was right… Not much I can do about that though, on occasion life likes to throw us curve balls so it’s up to me to live with decisions I’ve made. I have decided for my not only my sake but my sons that if I didn’t see improvement I was out of here… The chances of me staying at this point are very slim to none… I asked him to show me he wanted me, show me he wanted us & instead over a week (or has it been 2) later he was STILL keeping up with his shit? That really makes me want to work on this doesn’t it? Again I told him I wanted to see a change… He has until the end of the weekend to show me the changes I have asked for if not I will consider that his way of saying that the relationship is over. I will make my arrangements to leave after my son gets here & I will move on. I hate that I love him so much ‘cause writing this is killing me I shouldn’t be in this position.

The awkwardness

He informed me today one of his female friends has read my blog… Ok? What should I say to that… I looked at him & said “so she knows you’re a cheat than?” He slightly chuckled & said yeah I guess… What the fuck… The laugh? Really? NOTHING about this is funny… A) It slightly irritates me that someone has my blog that I don’t know, I have it in no way connected to my real name & for good reason so how did she find it? The only thing that comes to mind is he gave her a link? Why he would do that no clue… B) It bothers me that she is a female… Why because he has 1 male friend & the rest are girls… After having my fears of him cheating confirmed I don’t know which of his “Friends” he has or has not screwed around with…& I know if I were to read a blog one of my male friends partners posted that reviled that he was a cheater I would tear a strip off of him… I doubt she has said a word to him about it which again slightly irritates me, what kind of friend allows them to carry on with things such as cheating & feel no way about it. Ugh are there no good people in the world anymore? God I would tear a strip off of one of my friends (if I stayed friends with them) for cheating let alone doing it to their partner who is pregnant with their child. Disgusting. So not only is this whole situation awkward for me but its slightly sickening as well. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Final thought

I wish things were different. I wish he was the man I know he can be. I wish I didn’t have to think about telling my mother why I’m packing up to move in with her & I sure as hell wish I didn’t have to think about what I am going to tell his parents about why I’m leaving. I certainly hope it doesn’t come to leaving but I feel like if he really wanted me, us, he would have changed his tune that moment/the next day but the fact that I had to yet again have the same discussion of “I want it to end” shows me he doesn’t care & that he feels no remorse for what he has done. 2 days is fair I think… 2 minutes would have been fair according to my twitter mama’s.  Don’t judge a girl for hoping her idiot in tinfoil would actually turn into the “knight in shining armour” she deserves.